A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
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It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.