A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
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*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
this makes me so uncomfortable
I might carry a baby with one hand.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY