A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
You Might Also Like
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
this chia pet tastes awful
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.