A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
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5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
playing pool? you mean swimming?
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Yes that is a knife in my pocket, and no I’m not happy to see you.
Lmaoo 😂
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
we all know this pain all too well
