Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.

“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone

Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.