A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
