A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
If snakes were wide
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Hard not to take this personally
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
