A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
