A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
