I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
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My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
the simulation is moving too fast
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Attacked by a mop.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.