A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
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Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!