A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
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I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.