A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
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As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.