A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
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Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.