A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
