A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
