A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
Nice try, NASA
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
