Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?

I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.

How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?

I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.

*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*

If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants

me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.

I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college

These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?

Omg 🤣

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.