Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!

I aspire to be birds

He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭

As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”

Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool

Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool

Repair guy:

Me: *winks*

Me: i knew you’d pull through

drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man

cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke

it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.

The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.

First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.

In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP

[Name origins]

Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.

Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.

Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.

Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.