A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
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Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Anyone want a chair?
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.