a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
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“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.