a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
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My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
english majors be like furthermore
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*