Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

*struts into the new year
~ trips

8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

*at a shower

Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.

[friend whispers to me]

Sorry. Wedding dress.

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

Clark Kent: *removes glasses*

Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.

“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

Me: pretty much any name can be unisex

My son Stephanie: I hate you dad

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.