A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
You Might Also Like
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Shower sex be like:
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Time heals everything 🙂
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.