Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

be safe out there!

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.

Coffee is ready.

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands

her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing

me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.