Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

Match dot com, but for socks.

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

What’s your superpower?

Spiderman: ummm, parkour.

this independent good boy don’t need no human

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He picked a fight with a raccoon”

HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’

Me: ‘That’s not right.’

Nav: ‘No shit.’

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!