Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?

Me: no more YouTube before bed.

*3.5 thank you very much.

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

Me trying to reach for my goals

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree