Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.

Stranger: No.

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.

11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?

Me: That depends. How old are you?

11: I’m eleven.

Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha

11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.

once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

I like crazy people until they notice me

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.