Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
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A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I love people who IM me to tell me that they left a voice message to say that they sent me an email
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
“(cell phone) Hi Coast Guard, yeah a shark is banging my boat oh you’re on your way great thanks”
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one