@Book_Krazy

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

You Might Also Like

@Darlainky

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

@jakob_huber

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”

@AnneM69

I love people who IM me to tell me that they left a voice message to say that they sent me an email

@stevevsninjas

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.

@AimeeHelene1

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

@SuperTeeWhy

Jaws (2015):
“(cell phone) Hi Coast Guard, yeah a shark is banging my boat oh you’re on your way great thanks”

@BraandoCommando

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

@kyle_thatisall

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

@PhilJamesson

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one