[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
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Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows