[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
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Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Nothing to do, you say?
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.