A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
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[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?