A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
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Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too