Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt

Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”

They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button

His best quality?

His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.

the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

*first date*

Her: So what animal would you be?

Me: Oh a cat for sure!

Her: Aw cute!

(Later that night)

Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*

Her: …Ok considerably less cute.

Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.