Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣

Can you solve the riddle??

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.

Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

*blowing up your phone at 3am*

I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”

Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.