a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
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The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok: