A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
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My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Proctologist = Analyst
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”