Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!

[ interview at funeral home ]

director: are you ok being around death

me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks

[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

how to have fun when you’re poor

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

I try

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes