A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
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[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Dishonest mechanic?
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever