A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
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Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Most fashion shows these days…
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Me irl
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
