[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
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Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.