[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
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Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.