@mumbletoes

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

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@OrdinaryAlso

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

@BoomBoomBetty

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

@Josievorenkamp

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

@dorsalstream

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

@HeyitsLori

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

@JohnLyonTweets

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

@ShawnHatosy

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

@Wakenbake77

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

@meganamram

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read