A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
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MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
technically true but not a great slogan
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Bike is short for Bichael.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”