Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village

The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

*planning family vacation*

Me: So what about camping?

Them: We love camping!

Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.