Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

🤝

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’

I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

United Steaks of America

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.