A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
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Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
These work great until they don’t.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.