A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
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[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell