A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
You Might Also Like
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
[on my way back to the posting caves]
