A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
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stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.