Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

🤣

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?