A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
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Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
man i love columbo
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway