A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
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“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?