A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
