A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
even bears disappoint their mothers
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”*and I was like _whatever_*
I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]
