A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I think my mom just blocked me
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
