A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
You Might Also Like
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*