A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
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I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.