A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
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Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
me adding lol on a serious message
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY