Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

Meow

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

*first and last day as a therapist *

patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room

me: you’re not alone

patient: aaaahhhhhhh

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

But is it really??

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.

Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water

I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that

“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.