Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

No wonder chickens can’t fly

STOP EATING THEIR WINGS

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

Sure, I’ll come to your party

*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.

Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.

I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.

Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

[inventing napkin dispenser]

bob: it has two settings

ceo: ok

bob: one at a time

ceo: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

ceo: first of all i love it

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”