A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
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IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
cyclists
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?