A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
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How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting