A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
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peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?