A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
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*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
what does he know…
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.