Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

100% of divorces begin with marriage.

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.