A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
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Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Not all heroes wear capes….
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.