A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.