A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
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My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I’m awake but I object,
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Meow
79.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to