A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
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SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
my dad has had enough
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.