A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
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Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
*bites zombie*
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?