Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”

I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.

Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a parapsychologist.

Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.

“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

Harsh but fair

15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please

If at first you don’t succeed, try try again

“Sir we test parachutes here, don’t say that to people”

Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?

Her: it’s onomatopoeia.

Me: on what mat up there?