Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House

Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.

Friend: That’s good to know.

Me: It’s actually much worse than that.

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

😂😂😂

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

[at work]

Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!

Me: Well, you know me, always working!

Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*

Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything

Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.