Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

[goes back in time]

Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism: