A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
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Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it