Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tony Hawk, age 6

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help

Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs

I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up

My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.

Me:

My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.

Me: 😑

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

Meme Monday.

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

[wine class]

Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?

ME: wine

Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?

ME: nope, still wine

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice